For the most part, I don't like to delve too deep into the more personal, darker corners of my life here on Zesty. Occasionally, though, it's one of the best places to vent my frustrations, concerns, and painful experiences.
In October, I talked about this. However difficult it was (and sometimes, continues to be), I have stayed hopeful and mostly positive about the prospect of adding to our little family. So we waited until we got the go-ahead from our doctor, and started again.
The short version of this story?
Pregnancy test taken (two, actually...and done two days apart just to be sure).
Positive results.
Hours later...GONE.
Doctor visit (failed pregnancy).
More blood work.
Waiting for results.
Ugh. The waiting. I know I voiced my frustration about waiting for medical staff to return calls in my earlier post, as well. I truly do understand that I am not the only patient waiting for results...really, I do. But it doesn't make me want my results any less.
Matt asked me last night at the dinner table how I would take it if we got the news that I wasn't able to have any more children. Ohhhhhhhh, how I didn't want to go to that place. Voicing fears that had been tip-toeing around in my head for the last few months is so painful. So I took the safest route possible, and joked that we'd just have to con one of my sisters into being our surrogate. Really, I just wanted to yell and cry about how unfair that would be, and that he is never allowed to say things like that in my presence ever again.
But I didn't. And dinner continued with light conversations about things like the -87 degree wind chill (only a slight exaggeration) and what Avery did earlier in the day.
So today, hopefully, I'll finally get a call with my results. Again, I find myself praying harder than I probably have since October...and again I'm wondering why that is, and whether it's realistic for my prayer to be answered. I'm reminding myself that prayers are answered everyday, and in the next breath I'm reminding myself that prayers sometimes aren't answered at all how we'd like them to be; sometimes there's a whole different plan in store, and we have yet to find out what or why that is.
2 comments:
Ach, I'm so sorry. It seems so unfair, while the Duggars just had their 19th (!!!) baby. But we all know many stories of women who have struggled with this, and gone on to have had a full house of babies.
I do find it amazing that in 2010, we don't have good answers about why/when/how to get this fertility stuff straightened out. Ugh.
I hope you hear back soon from kind, compassionate nurses, and good news, too.
Thank you.
We did hear back - nothing in the blood work showed any problems. So we're to wait another two cycles and then we've got the go-ahead to try again. After that, if we get a positive test, we're to call the clinic immediately and have blood drawn to make sure my levels spike high enough to support a pregnancy. At that point, if they're slightly low, they would supplement hormones (that's assuming the levels are high enough for it to be considered a "good pregnancy" -- whatever that means).
I think my hopes for 2010 are quite high, but realistically so.
Oh, and the Duggars with 19?! No, thank you. Matt freaks out at the idea of three!
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